Friday, 20 March 2015

Engineers invent robot that can build houses, heal the sick, still can’t wash the dishes

Honda's Asimo, also a lazy git
Koichi Yamaguchi, Chief Engineer at little known Pacific rim car manufacturer MingPong, has created a state of the art new robot to rival Honda’s Asimo. The robot can cut through tanks, build houses for the poor, and heal most diseases by placing its hand on the patient’s head. However, it still can’t wash dishes, fold clothes, or clean the bathroom floor.

Yamaguchi has spent the last 10 years working on the prototype. “Every day we add new features.” he said. “Yesterday it learned how to increase the efficiency of solar panels by 5000%. But whatever we do, we can’t seem to get it to wash the dishes without dropping the odd plate.”

Creating a robot that can perform our mundane household chores has been a dream of man for over a hundred years. Just as we appear to be close, complications that humans take for granted get in the way.

Last year, a Lego enthusiast created a robot that could travel through time using a 9V battery. However, the robot kept leaving large chunks of fluff on the floor when doing the vacuuming, so the project was scrapped.

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Record Profits for this Year’s St Guinness Day

Millions of thirsty Irish people took advantage of their yearly excuse to drink yesterday, allowing the global corporation Guinness to enjoy record profits for another year. Pubs around the world covered their walls in anything green they could get hold of to cash in on the world’s biggest piss-up.

We spoke to the frankly unbelievably named Patrick McFitzgerald in one such pub.

“Oi fockin’ lov Guinness.” he told us. “Look, dey gave me dis hat for drinkin’ 20 points. It looks fockin’ amazin’, don’t yo tink?”

We had to admit, he did look the business.

Of course it wasn’t just the Irish taking part in the leprechaun obsessed festivities – pretty much anyone who has ever seen an Irish person laid claim to at least some level of Irish ethnicity.

“We make more money from those who think they’re Irish than anyone else.” said a Guinness Spokesperson. “It’s also the day when the phrase ‘To be sure’ is said more times than any other.”

The festivities are set to repeat around the same time next year, when everyone’s shit finally returns to the normal color.