Saturday, 14 November 2015

NRA Says Paris Attacks Could Have Been Avoided If Everyone Was Upgraded to a Killer Cyborg

The National Rifle Association has again jumped on a tragedy to justify its ridiculous agenda.

"If the people of Paris had been armed, they might have been able to fight back against the terrorists." said spokesperson Colin Noit. A member of the press conference then informed him that the terrorists were well trained and armed with Kalashnikovs, and that some of them, notably the suicide bombers, weren't even carrying guns.

"Ok,", he pondered. "Then we need to up our game." Thinking for a few seconds, he eventually responded.

"Cyborgs!" Noit cried out to a bewildered press conference. "What we need is for every man, woman and child to be upgraded to a killer cyborg!"

He went on.

"With a titanium endo-skeleton members of the public can become invincible to crazed shooters. Infrared sensors can be plugged into their eyes, enabling early detection of terrorist activity. And built-in shoulder rocket turrets will allow them to fight back, and reclaim their freedom."

"We're tired of people getting hurt because of these bleeding heart liberals oppressing our rights to replace our knees with high powered laser cannons."

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Some People Actually Didn't Realise the Debate was a Total Circus

 Our reporters were in shock this morning to discover that there are some people who didn't realise last night's debate was actually a complete and total pantomime.

The debate, if you can call it that, was between President Barrack Obama and presidential hopeful Republican Mitt Romney, although it might as well have been between a goldfish and a cheese and bacon sandwich.

Yet to speak to some members of the general public, one would think that something relevant had happened.

"Mitt Romney was on form!" declared one Republican voter. "His personality and debating skills are obviously more than enough to get us out of our $15 trillion dollar debt."

Some Obama supporters were equally as deluded.

"I'm very disappointed in Obama. I know he's killed thousands of innocent people in Pakistan with drones, implemented a police state, given billions of our dollars to Goldman Sachs, and destroyed the economy, but after his performance last night, I can't help feeling a bit let down. I'm not even sure I can trust him now."

Even some swing voters didn't think the debate was a complete waste of time.

"2 hours and not one mention of Iran." said one undecided voter. "They obviously don't have any intention to illegally invade Iran straight after the election, or one of them would have mentioned it."

It was pretty much the same story across America. Despite the debate having as much purpose as a tea room in an iphone factory, a surprising number of people felt that two rich men arguing over how best to steal money from the poor was actually going to change the fact that the world is $49 trillion in debt to itself.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Blacks Trample Wobblies

Today in a sports game between a Black team and a Wobbly team the Black team stood tall trampling the Wobblies by some points.

The Black team has a history of being a very good team so the Wobbly team should be at ease with itself, as even good teams struggle when playing the Black team.

Many points were scored, there was plenty of running and even some kicking. At several times both teams came together to have a cuddle around the ball before breaking away and running and kicking again.

The game was enjoyed by a large crowd who took it in turn to sit and stand while waving flags and holding up signs reading "Try" in what must have been a form of encouragement.

In the end the Wobbly team just could not overcome the ferocious Black team and were seen after the match waltzing back to from where they came.