Thursday, 16 July 2015

Australia Makes it a Terrorist Act to Report on MP Expenses

Australia's government is planning to head off public disdain for politician's exuberant spending by simply making it illegal to report on MP spending.

Following recent incidents where the treasurer was found using taxpayer's money to pay rent to stay in his wife's house, and the house speaker took a $5000 helicopter ride to attend a party fundraiser, self-knighted Prime Minister Sir Tony Abbott has made a captains call to outlaw the reporting of MP's expenses.

"This kind of behaviour is unacceptable" said Lord Abbott. "If our party members want to spend $88,000 on a long weekend in Europe they should be able to. Those who seek to undermine the government by reporting on these operational matters will not be tolerated."

Having recently made it illegal to report on the abuse of children in asylum seeker concentration camps, Grand Chancellor Abbott said that "this kind of thing represents a real threat to Australia and its democracy."

"These journalists are a death cult" he went on. "They poison our society with their fanatical ideologies. It is therefore necessary that reporting on MP extravagance is deemed a terrorist act."

The punishments for terrorist acts have increased in severity in recent years. Anyone caught participating in terrorist activity, such as illegal downloading, or having a go at politicians on live TV shows, will have their citizenship revoked.

Emperor Abbott insists these new laws will ensure the safety of all Australians. Or at least, the rich white ones.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

America Celebrates Independence from Imperialism

239 years ago, the United States of America celebrated its freedom from the evil British Empire.

No more would it have to deal with the tyranny of a dictatorship. Now the people would have their say and the country would be run according to their will. If the people voted against something, such as, for example, war, or being spied on by their own intelligence agencies, those in power would have to yield to the voice of the people.

Since then America has gone from strength to strength, showing the world how truly un-imperialist it is, by force if necessary.

The free enterprise system – the American dream – has been allowed to flourish. Now, as we see from the reality show “Cribs”, nearly every person in America is rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Thanks to the right to bear arms, the people are safer too. They are free to walk the streets at night in complete safety, because nobody would dare to mess with someone who might have a gun. Unless they happened to be carrying a bigger gun, or say, an automatic gun.

Hooray for American Independence!

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Ocean Explosions, Just Good Clean Fun

A Queensland resident has been awarded a licence by the local government to operate his new start-up business Ocean Explosions.

Representatives of the environmental department have said the green light for the company to operate in the waters comes with a strict limit on how close they can get to the Great Barrier Reef. Under no circumstances are they to be within 100 meters of the reef while operating.

We spoke to the business owner who goes by the name of Salty Dog and asked him what exactly it is that his company offers.

"We take paying clients out to the open water and encourage them to throw a range of explosives from the aft of the boat, you would be surprised at how many people enjoy a good explosion. Throwing them in the ocean reduces risks and means everyone has some good clean fun."

When questioned about the risk to sea life, in particular fish, Salty had this to say.

"She's a big ocean boys, plenty of room for both fish and dynamite. Besides we don't come across many fish when we are out, followed by a stupid amount of birds, but other than that we don't see much in the way of sea life."

We asked him if he had considered that it may be possible that the birds were following the boat in order to get an easy meal once the dynamite throwing had been concluded, to which he responded.

"They're birds mate, the early bird gets the worm, not the fish... It's not like they're a flock of flying cats."