Saturday, 11 April 2015

People Take Action Against Poverty By Buying Ribbons From Large Ribbon Manufacturing Corporation

People everywhere have begun wearing ribbons to honor and remember the 22,000 children that die every day as a result of poverty.

“It sends a clear message to these children, a message that says ‘we will remember you’, they may have died of totally preventable causes but at least we won't forget them!” said one ribbon wearing Australian.

Ribbons for action, a for profit ribbon production company, in a press release explained that ribbons for action is designed to raise awareness of needless deaths in the world and make people feel better about themselves while actually doing as little as possible.

A representative for the company told us that since the ribbons for action campaign had begun a week ago the company had registered profits in excess of 35 million dollars and expected to reach a profit total of 280 million by the end of the month.

Asked if any of the funds would be used to fight poverty the representative snorted derisively and shook his head. “If we used the money to fight poverty then we would in effect be shooting our own business in the foot, who would do that?”

Ribbons For Action plans to take its marketing global so that people around the world can feel better without actually doing anything of substance about the impoverished.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Gatwick Airport on Flightpath to Freedom

U.K. Oil and Gas have announced that an oil field near Gatwick Airport may contain as much as 150 million barrels of oil per square mile, that could be up to 4.4 billion barrels of shale oil. The U.S. based firm expects that they will be able to extract as much as 15% of the oil from the limestone using conventional drilling techniques.

Ted Cruz, upon hearing of this oil find, is said to have started high level negotiations with the Military Industrial Complex. It has been suggested that Gatwick could be in desperate need of some freedom.

Talking points have centered around the high number of extremists living in Great Britain, who may have ties to Islamic terrorists around the world, posing a potential threat to American national security.

The N.S.A. filed a report outlining the danger that England was in and that humanitarian action was required to help bring democracy to the country.

David Cameron has voiced his concern over the threat of military action and has expressed that his government is very capable of delivering democracy. .

U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton is quoted as saying “While we appreciate the vigour of our English neighbours, I can not help but feel that a few drone strikes would not go astray.” and that, “Military action effective enough to actually knock out infrastructure for more than a few years would be a easy and painless affair.”

Nigel Farage is reportedly foaming at the mouth at the thought of American Imperialists illegally entering his country to steal jobs and claim benefits.

Tony Abbott, the prime Minister of Australia, in a phone call to President Obama is said to have reassured his American counterpart that Australia stands ready to support any necessary action in any way needed.