Saturday, 14 November 2015

NRA Says Paris Attacks Could Have Been Avoided If Everyone Was Upgraded to a Killer Cyborg

The National Rifle Association has again jumped on a tragedy to justify its ridiculous agenda.

"If the people of Paris had been armed, they might have been able to fight back against the terrorists." said spokesperson Colin Noit. A member of the press conference then informed him that the terrorists were well trained and armed with Kalashnikovs, and that some of them, notably the suicide bombers, weren't even carrying guns.

"Ok,", he pondered. "Then we need to up our game." Thinking for a few seconds, he eventually responded.

"Cyborgs!" Noit cried out to a bewildered press conference. "What we need is for every man, woman and child to be upgraded to a killer cyborg!"

He went on.

"With a titanium endo-skeleton members of the public can become invincible to crazed shooters. Infrared sensors can be plugged into their eyes, enabling early detection of terrorist activity. And built-in shoulder rocket turrets will allow them to fight back, and reclaim their freedom."

"We're tired of people getting hurt because of these bleeding heart liberals oppressing our rights to replace our knees with high powered laser cannons."

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Some People Actually Didn't Realise the Debate was a Total Circus

 Our reporters were in shock this morning to discover that there are some people who didn't realise last night's debate was actually a complete and total pantomime.

The debate, if you can call it that, was between President Barrack Obama and presidential hopeful Republican Mitt Romney, although it might as well have been between a goldfish and a cheese and bacon sandwich.

Yet to speak to some members of the general public, one would think that something relevant had happened.

"Mitt Romney was on form!" declared one Republican voter. "His personality and debating skills are obviously more than enough to get us out of our $15 trillion dollar debt."

Some Obama supporters were equally as deluded.

"I'm very disappointed in Obama. I know he's killed thousands of innocent people in Pakistan with drones, implemented a police state, given billions of our dollars to Goldman Sachs, and destroyed the economy, but after his performance last night, I can't help feeling a bit let down. I'm not even sure I can trust him now."

Even some swing voters didn't think the debate was a complete waste of time.

"2 hours and not one mention of Iran." said one undecided voter. "They obviously don't have any intention to illegally invade Iran straight after the election, or one of them would have mentioned it."

It was pretty much the same story across America. Despite the debate having as much purpose as a tea room in an iphone factory, a surprising number of people felt that two rich men arguing over how best to steal money from the poor was actually going to change the fact that the world is $49 trillion in debt to itself.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Blacks Trample Wobblies

Today in a sports game between a Black team and a Wobbly team the Black team stood tall trampling the Wobblies by some points.

The Black team has a history of being a very good team so the Wobbly team should be at ease with itself, as even good teams struggle when playing the Black team.

Many points were scored, there was plenty of running and even some kicking. At several times both teams came together to have a cuddle around the ball before breaking away and running and kicking again.

The game was enjoyed by a large crowd who took it in turn to sit and stand while waving flags and holding up signs reading "Try" in what must have been a form of encouragement.

In the end the Wobbly team just could not overcome the ferocious Black team and were seen after the match waltzing back to from where they came.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Tony Abbott Grows Slender Mustache

Tony Abbott, sporting a slender mustache, has reassured the Australian public today that when the Australian Border Farce does in fact invade a city it won't be announced beforehand.

"There were clearly some critical errors made in Melbourne on Friday, a low level official has clearly not understood that we do not talk about operational matters." he said.

Tony, flanked by sixty flags, expressed that holding the people of a city hostage with his armed Gestapo would never be effective if people knew ahead of time that it was going to happen.

"The entire point of this shock and awe scare tactic is clearly lost if the people know it is coming."

Captain Abbott then raised one arm into the air, screeched "Heil Tony" and retreated behind his growing collection of flags.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Australia Makes it a Terrorist Act to Report on MP Expenses

Australia's government is planning to head off public disdain for politician's exuberant spending by simply making it illegal to report on MP spending.

Following recent incidents where the treasurer was found using taxpayer's money to pay rent to stay in his wife's house, and the house speaker took a $5000 helicopter ride to attend a party fundraiser, self-knighted Prime Minister Sir Tony Abbott has made a captains call to outlaw the reporting of MP's expenses.

"This kind of behaviour is unacceptable" said Lord Abbott. "If our party members want to spend $88,000 on a long weekend in Europe they should be able to. Those who seek to undermine the government by reporting on these operational matters will not be tolerated."

Having recently made it illegal to report on the abuse of children in asylum seeker concentration camps, Grand Chancellor Abbott said that "this kind of thing represents a real threat to Australia and its democracy."

"These journalists are a death cult" he went on. "They poison our society with their fanatical ideologies. It is therefore necessary that reporting on MP extravagance is deemed a terrorist act."

The punishments for terrorist acts have increased in severity in recent years. Anyone caught participating in terrorist activity, such as illegal downloading, or having a go at politicians on live TV shows, will have their citizenship revoked.

Emperor Abbott insists these new laws will ensure the safety of all Australians. Or at least, the rich white ones.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

America Celebrates Independence from Imperialism

239 years ago, the United States of America celebrated its freedom from the evil British Empire.

No more would it have to deal with the tyranny of a dictatorship. Now the people would have their say and the country would be run according to their will. If the people voted against something, such as, for example, war, or being spied on by their own intelligence agencies, those in power would have to yield to the voice of the people.

Since then America has gone from strength to strength, showing the world how truly un-imperialist it is, by force if necessary.

The free enterprise system – the American dream – has been allowed to flourish. Now, as we see from the reality show “Cribs”, nearly every person in America is rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Thanks to the right to bear arms, the people are safer too. They are free to walk the streets at night in complete safety, because nobody would dare to mess with someone who might have a gun. Unless they happened to be carrying a bigger gun, or say, an automatic gun.

Hooray for American Independence!

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Ocean Explosions, Just Good Clean Fun

A Queensland resident has been awarded a licence by the local government to operate his new start-up business Ocean Explosions.

Representatives of the environmental department have said the green light for the company to operate in the waters comes with a strict limit on how close they can get to the Great Barrier Reef. Under no circumstances are they to be within 100 meters of the reef while operating.

We spoke to the business owner who goes by the name of Salty Dog and asked him what exactly it is that his company offers.

"We take paying clients out to the open water and encourage them to throw a range of explosives from the aft of the boat, you would be surprised at how many people enjoy a good explosion. Throwing them in the ocean reduces risks and means everyone has some good clean fun."

When questioned about the risk to sea life, in particular fish, Salty had this to say.

"She's a big ocean boys, plenty of room for both fish and dynamite. Besides we don't come across many fish when we are out, followed by a stupid amount of birds, but other than that we don't see much in the way of sea life."

We asked him if he had considered that it may be possible that the birds were following the boat in order to get an easy meal once the dynamite throwing had been concluded, to which he responded.

"They're birds mate, the early bird gets the worm, not the fish... It's not like they're a flock of flying cats."

Friday, 19 June 2015

Man Spends 30 minutes in Shower Thinking of Ways to Save Water
Local man Ernest Bernshaw today spent a glorious, relaxing half hour in the shower coming up with ingenious ways to save water.

As the warm, drinking-quality water washed over his body and down the drain, he watched it and wondered: What if we could do something with this?

Ideas flowed as freely as the water as he considered ways to collect the runoff, pipe the drain into his garden, or use the fall of the water to power hydro-electric generators.

"I wonder how much electricity we could generate if we piped the almost pristine water over some turbines", he thought, while brushing his teeth.

"Whole industries could be transformed" Mr Bernshaw thought around the 20 minute mark. "Houses could be built with these new water saving features. Hell, even entire housing estates. The way things work now are just so wasteful!"

Saturday, 11 April 2015

People Take Action Against Poverty By Buying Ribbons From Large Ribbon Manufacturing Corporation

People everywhere have begun wearing ribbons to honor and remember the 22,000 children that die every day as a result of poverty.

“It sends a clear message to these children, a message that says ‘we will remember you’, they may have died of totally preventable causes but at least we won't forget them!” said one ribbon wearing Australian.

Ribbons for action, a for profit ribbon production company, in a press release explained that ribbons for action is designed to raise awareness of needless deaths in the world and make people feel better about themselves while actually doing as little as possible.

A representative for the company told us that since the ribbons for action campaign had begun a week ago the company had registered profits in excess of 35 million dollars and expected to reach a profit total of 280 million by the end of the month.

Asked if any of the funds would be used to fight poverty the representative snorted derisively and shook his head. “If we used the money to fight poverty then we would in effect be shooting our own business in the foot, who would do that?”

Ribbons For Action plans to take its marketing global so that people around the world can feel better without actually doing anything of substance about the impoverished.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Gatwick Airport on Flightpath to Freedom

U.K. Oil and Gas have announced that an oil field near Gatwick Airport may contain as much as 150 million barrels of oil per square mile, that could be up to 4.4 billion barrels of shale oil. The U.S. based firm expects that they will be able to extract as much as 15% of the oil from the limestone using conventional drilling techniques.

Ted Cruz, upon hearing of this oil find, is said to have started high level negotiations with the Military Industrial Complex. It has been suggested that Gatwick could be in desperate need of some freedom.

Talking points have centered around the high number of extremists living in Great Britain, who may have ties to Islamic terrorists around the world, posing a potential threat to American national security.

The N.S.A. filed a report outlining the danger that England was in and that humanitarian action was required to help bring democracy to the country.

David Cameron has voiced his concern over the threat of military action and has expressed that his government is very capable of delivering democracy. .

U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton is quoted as saying “While we appreciate the vigour of our English neighbours, I can not help but feel that a few drone strikes would not go astray.” and that, “Military action effective enough to actually knock out infrastructure for more than a few years would be a easy and painless affair.”

Nigel Farage is reportedly foaming at the mouth at the thought of American Imperialists illegally entering his country to steal jobs and claim benefits.

Tony Abbott, the prime Minister of Australia, in a phone call to President Obama is said to have reassured his American counterpart that Australia stands ready to support any necessary action in any way needed.

Friday, 20 March 2015

Engineers invent robot that can build houses, heal the sick, still can’t wash the dishes

Honda's Asimo, also a lazy git
Koichi Yamaguchi, Chief Engineer at little known Pacific rim car manufacturer MingPong, has created a state of the art new robot to rival Honda’s Asimo. The robot can cut through tanks, build houses for the poor, and heal most diseases by placing its hand on the patient’s head. However, it still can’t wash dishes, fold clothes, or clean the bathroom floor.

Yamaguchi has spent the last 10 years working on the prototype. “Every day we add new features.” he said. “Yesterday it learned how to increase the efficiency of solar panels by 5000%. But whatever we do, we can’t seem to get it to wash the dishes without dropping the odd plate.”

Creating a robot that can perform our mundane household chores has been a dream of man for over a hundred years. Just as we appear to be close, complications that humans take for granted get in the way.

Last year, a Lego enthusiast created a robot that could travel through time using a 9V battery. However, the robot kept leaving large chunks of fluff on the floor when doing the vacuuming, so the project was scrapped.

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Record Profits for this Year’s St Guinness Day

Millions of thirsty Irish people took advantage of their yearly excuse to drink yesterday, allowing the global corporation Guinness to enjoy record profits for another year. Pubs around the world covered their walls in anything green they could get hold of to cash in on the world’s biggest piss-up.

We spoke to the frankly unbelievably named Patrick McFitzgerald in one such pub.

“Oi fockin’ lov Guinness.” he told us. “Look, dey gave me dis hat for drinkin’ 20 points. It looks fockin’ amazin’, don’t yo tink?”

We had to admit, he did look the business.

Of course it wasn’t just the Irish taking part in the leprechaun obsessed festivities – pretty much anyone who has ever seen an Irish person laid claim to at least some level of Irish ethnicity.

“We make more money from those who think they’re Irish than anyone else.” said a Guinness Spokesperson. “It’s also the day when the phrase ‘To be sure’ is said more times than any other.”

The festivities are set to repeat around the same time next year, when everyone’s shit finally returns to the normal color.