Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Shirtfront Likely to be Non-Event

Tony Abbots threat to "shirtfront" President Vladimir Putin has been steadily declining. It was first downgraded to a possible chest bump, then quickly reduced to a very, very, robust conversation. A very was then dropped leaving it to be a very robust conversation. It was latter revealed that the conversation would simply be robust, shortly afterwords reduced again to become a conversation.

Scores of punters that had invested in what was shaping up to be an exciting event, Shirtfront 2014, have been said to be calling local ticketing agencies furious at having spent hundreds of dollars to see Tony take on Putin live.


 Ticketing agencies have been quick to claim that there is little they can do if one of the contenders begins to tone down their language and have reminded punters that the tickets are non-refundable. Things look set to get even worse for out of pocket punters with sources close to the Australian Prime Minister suggesting that Tony may do little more than wink in the general direction of Vladimir.

No one representing the Russian President was available for comment.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Offensive Wind Turbines to be Removed; Replaced by Large Holes

Offensive
In response to comments Australia's Federal Treasurer made about the wind farms around Lake George being "utterly offensive" a commission has been established to index the offensiveness on an appalling meter. A representative for the commission told us initial readings were registering the wind farms in question as a blight, but further study would need to be done and it was reasonable to expect they could rate as high as utterly offensive, if not obscenely disgusting.

Green groups are up in arms at the news, with Greenpeace expressing a high level of concern and suggesting that they may need to sail a boat around the country a few times.

One Liberal backbencher has taken exception to the sailing threats of Greenpeace, labeling them "eco-terrorists" and suggesting the Australian Navy may be asked to keep an eye on them in the interests of National Security. In a statement the member expressed, "This country currently has enough problems with boats". When asked for his views on the situation the Prime Minister said, "During the election we promised the people we would stop the boats, that is what we have a mandate for and that is what we will be doing."

The Minister for Infrastructure has also weighed in telling us that "Should the wind farms be found to be offensive or above on the appalling meter, which can only be suspected will happen, then one solution would be not only to remove them but to perhaps replace them with large holes in the ground."

It is understood miners have suddenly taken an interest and are investigating the greater Lake George area for potential mineral wealth. "This has the real potential to be a win, win, for Australia as a nation, first the removal of what are clearly some extremely disgusting wind turbines and secondly the potential extraction of what could be vast deposits of untapped resource wealth." commented a representative for the United Corporate Siphons of Wealth Group.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Heavy Restrictions May be Placed on the Use of Face Paint

Face-paint has been placed under the spotlight in Australia, many Liberal M.P.s claiming that it instils fear in the community. A Liberal backbencher is calling for an all out ban on the use of face-paint saying "There are legitimate security issues that people have when someone walks into a public place where you cannot identify them."

A Senator for the P.U.P. has thrown her support behind an all out ban, “I think we use some common sense here and we see everybody’s face out in the street. That’s all I’m asking for.” she said.

The Prime Minister is calling for calm saying that while he finds face-paint to be confronting "It’s hardly the most important issue facing our country right now.”, and he is being supported by his front bench, with the Foreign Minister explaining "“Some may be offended by it, some may be confronted by it, but in Australia we have a choice.”

The Union for Mimes Clowns and General Fun are outraged by the current political discourse issuing a statement today expressing deep concern, reminding politicians that many entertainers rely upon the use of face-paint in their day to day lives.

A Melbourne street mime raised his hands in defiance when asked for an opinion about the parliamentary discussion on face-paint, and Clowns Across Australia are said to be organizing a protest to take place outside parliament house latter in the week.

Delores, a mother of two, explained to us that she thought banning face-paint would be outrageous and that people really needed to consider how it would impact on the children and street performers. "It is a sad day to call yourself Australian." she said.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Giant Fan Causes Tensions to Escalate

Not against any law to construct a very big fan
American intelligence officials today released a satellite photo which shows what appears to be a giant pedestal fan on the east coast of China.

In a press release intelligence officials stated that "they were unaware of how this device had been erected without anyone noticing." Unofficially it has been suggested that this may be some kind of giant Ikea model which was able to be put together under the cover of darkness.

The chief concern of U.S. policy makers is that, if aimed correctly, the fan could be used to blow pollution from China clear across the Pacific to the coast and possibly mainland United States.

A delegate from Texas has suggested that in response it may be prudent for the United States to build fans and counteract the effects of the Chinese device. Manufacturing experts point out that many of the parts would probably need to be imported, from China.

Japanese officials have expressed that the fan could be directed at Fukushima in an effort to blow radiation away from the crippled plant, further enraging American politicians.

An American congressman is reported to have retorted that "Building giant fans to blow pollution or radiation away from one country and toward another is hardly responsible, or an acceptable way to treat international neighbours." She went on to say that it could certainly be construed as an act of aggression which would be meet with an equal or greater response.

The Chinese Minister of Foreign Affairs would not confirm or deny the existence of such an instrument, instead pointing out that it is not against any law to construct a very big fan. He went on to say that China would not be intimidated by American sabre rattling.

The Australian Foreign Minister has called for calm amongst the international community and has said she expects to make an urgent trip to the region in an attempt to find a diplomatic solution to this latest global crisis.

The world waits with baited breath. 

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Western Australian Government Declares War on Ladders

After the devastating and surprising death of a man falling off a ladder, the Western Australian government is planning an all-out cull on ladders throughout the state.

They are hoping that a cull will send a message to the ladder community not to mess with human beings.

“Too many people are dying needless deaths from these evil, dangerous things. It’s time we taught them a lesson.” said local MP Ron Tuna.

Activists and ladder lovers are outraged by the cull.

“We go up them and then get surprised when we fall off them. We should have more respect – 4 meters above the ground is their natural habitat, not ours.”