Saturday, 14 November 2015

NRA Says Paris Attacks Could Have Been Avoided If Everyone Was Upgraded to a Killer Cyborg

The National Rifle Association has again jumped on a tragedy to justify its ridiculous agenda.

"If the people of Paris had been armed, they might have been able to fight back against the terrorists." said spokesperson Colin Noit. A member of the press conference then informed him that the terrorists were well trained and armed with Kalashnikovs, and that some of them, notably the suicide bombers, weren't even carrying guns.

"Ok,", he pondered. "Then we need to up our game." Thinking for a few seconds, he eventually responded.

"Cyborgs!" Noit cried out to a bewildered press conference. "What we need is for every man, woman and child to be upgraded to a killer cyborg!"

He went on.

"With a titanium endo-skeleton members of the public can become invincible to crazed shooters. Infrared sensors can be plugged into their eyes, enabling early detection of terrorist activity. And built-in shoulder rocket turrets will allow them to fight back, and reclaim their freedom."

"We're tired of people getting hurt because of these bleeding heart liberals oppressing our rights to replace our knees with high powered laser cannons."

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Some People Actually Didn't Realise the Debate was a Total Circus

 Our reporters were in shock this morning to discover that there are some people who didn't realise last night's debate was actually a complete and total pantomime.

The debate, if you can call it that, was between President Barrack Obama and presidential hopeful Republican Mitt Romney, although it might as well have been between a goldfish and a cheese and bacon sandwich.

Yet to speak to some members of the general public, one would think that something relevant had happened.

"Mitt Romney was on form!" declared one Republican voter. "His personality and debating skills are obviously more than enough to get us out of our $15 trillion dollar debt."

Some Obama supporters were equally as deluded.

"I'm very disappointed in Obama. I know he's killed thousands of innocent people in Pakistan with drones, implemented a police state, given billions of our dollars to Goldman Sachs, and destroyed the economy, but after his performance last night, I can't help feeling a bit let down. I'm not even sure I can trust him now."

Even some swing voters didn't think the debate was a complete waste of time.

"2 hours and not one mention of Iran." said one undecided voter. "They obviously don't have any intention to illegally invade Iran straight after the election, or one of them would have mentioned it."

It was pretty much the same story across America. Despite the debate having as much purpose as a tea room in an iphone factory, a surprising number of people felt that two rich men arguing over how best to steal money from the poor was actually going to change the fact that the world is $49 trillion in debt to itself.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Blacks Trample Wobblies

Today in a sports game between a Black team and a Wobbly team the Black team stood tall trampling the Wobblies by some points.

The Black team has a history of being a very good team so the Wobbly team should be at ease with itself, as even good teams struggle when playing the Black team.

Many points were scored, there was plenty of running and even some kicking. At several times both teams came together to have a cuddle around the ball before breaking away and running and kicking again.

The game was enjoyed by a large crowd who took it in turn to sit and stand while waving flags and holding up signs reading "Try" in what must have been a form of encouragement.

In the end the Wobbly team just could not overcome the ferocious Black team and were seen after the match waltzing back to from where they came.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Tony Abbott Grows Slender Mustache

Tony Abbott, sporting a slender mustache, has reassured the Australian public today that when the Australian Border Farce does in fact invade a city it won't be announced beforehand.

"There were clearly some critical errors made in Melbourne on Friday, a low level official has clearly not understood that we do not talk about operational matters." he said.

Tony, flanked by sixty flags, expressed that holding the people of a city hostage with his armed Gestapo would never be effective if people knew ahead of time that it was going to happen.

"The entire point of this shock and awe scare tactic is clearly lost if the people know it is coming."

Captain Abbott then raised one arm into the air, screeched "Heil Tony" and retreated behind his growing collection of flags.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Australia Makes it a Terrorist Act to Report on MP Expenses

Australia's government is planning to head off public disdain for politician's exuberant spending by simply making it illegal to report on MP spending.

Following recent incidents where the treasurer was found using taxpayer's money to pay rent to stay in his wife's house, and the house speaker took a $5000 helicopter ride to attend a party fundraiser, self-knighted Prime Minister Sir Tony Abbott has made a captains call to outlaw the reporting of MP's expenses.

"This kind of behaviour is unacceptable" said Lord Abbott. "If our party members want to spend $88,000 on a long weekend in Europe they should be able to. Those who seek to undermine the government by reporting on these operational matters will not be tolerated."

Having recently made it illegal to report on the abuse of children in asylum seeker concentration camps, Grand Chancellor Abbott said that "this kind of thing represents a real threat to Australia and its democracy."

"These journalists are a death cult" he went on. "They poison our society with their fanatical ideologies. It is therefore necessary that reporting on MP extravagance is deemed a terrorist act."

The punishments for terrorist acts have increased in severity in recent years. Anyone caught participating in terrorist activity, such as illegal downloading, or having a go at politicians on live TV shows, will have their citizenship revoked.

Emperor Abbott insists these new laws will ensure the safety of all Australians. Or at least, the rich white ones.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

America Celebrates Independence from Imperialism

239 years ago, the United States of America celebrated its freedom from the evil British Empire.

No more would it have to deal with the tyranny of a dictatorship. Now the people would have their say and the country would be run according to their will. If the people voted against something, such as, for example, war, or being spied on by their own intelligence agencies, those in power would have to yield to the voice of the people.

Since then America has gone from strength to strength, showing the world how truly un-imperialist it is, by force if necessary.

The free enterprise system – the American dream – has been allowed to flourish. Now, as we see from the reality show “Cribs”, nearly every person in America is rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Thanks to the right to bear arms, the people are safer too. They are free to walk the streets at night in complete safety, because nobody would dare to mess with someone who might have a gun. Unless they happened to be carrying a bigger gun, or say, an automatic gun.

Hooray for American Independence!

Friday, 19 June 2015

Ocean Explosions, Just Good Clean Fun

A Queensland resident has been awarded a licence by the local government to operate his new start-up business Ocean Explosions.

Representatives of the environmental department have said the green light for the company to operate in the waters comes with a strict limit on how close they can get to the Great Barrier Reef. Under no circumstances are they to be within 100 meters of the reef while operating.

We spoke to the business owner who goes by the name of Salty Dog and asked him what exactly it is that his company offers.

"We take paying clients out to the open water and encourage them to throw a range of explosives from the aft of the boat, you would be surprised at how many people enjoy a good explosion. Throwing them in the ocean reduces risks and means everyone has some good clean fun."

When questioned about the risk to sea life, in particular fish Salty had this to say.

"She's a big ocean boys, plenty of room for both fish and dynamite. Besides we don't come across many fish when we are out, followed by a stupid amount of birds, but other than that we don't see much in the way of sea life."

We asked him if he had considered that it may be possible that the birds were following the boat in order to get an easy meal once the dynamite throwing had been concluded, to which he responded.

"They're birds mate, the early bird gets the worm, not the fish... It's not like they're a flock of flying cats."